mother

two days ago i eventually made it to one of the movies featuring at the british film festival. 'mother' (dir: roger michel) was how it was called... i'm still haunted with the toughness of the movie. armine asked me what i thought the morale was and i guess i knew what she would like to hear or what she expected me to say, smth along the lines, "sex IS what's there's to live for":-))))))) well, it sure is one thing to live for and obviously (btw, it was not the movie to tell me about this:-)) smth very poweful, deep, sophisticated, enjoyable etc. etc. ...

but it's not the lack of it that haunts me:-)))) it's the terrible abyss i feel when i feel the weight of a person's loneliness... it's our inability to make our lives worth living... i think i never came over the 'plague' and the terrbile walk to the church years ago... i could not take sides. darren, he was great. he reminded me of lady chatterly's lover:-) may was miserable and so beautiful for the short time she was in love. the horrible thing was that the concept of a family was non-existant: what is essential for a family: love, love without questions, love all-perceiving, all-embracing; support and warmth, shelter and a shoulder to lean on. what was there? vanity...obsession with making money and lacking time (well, who's the master of your time anyway, you only:-)) ...ego with no bounderies... and the depressing loneliness of an aging, lonely, creative woman...

i couldn't really take sides:-)