not a club member any more

i'm not sure this is a good idea, but guess certainty is not always handy when you need it:-)

1. i believe this stupid idea of drawing is the only one that was not inspired by a man... i actually wonder that i might be a female carbon copy of mher; we seem to think so identically that at times it's scary:-)

2. i'm not in the club anymore and i don't know how i feel about it. empty is probably the word. i don't think there's any disillusionment. actually it was good... but i guess i needed time and a partner to help me think about it and try to sort out things. i did not have either. i felt being taken care of in the bed, but probably what i needed was to feel this care taken out of the bed as well. too much to ask for? maybe this is how things work? but it's dreary to sleep alone... to sleep alone in the bed of the man who's made love to you...one should have the courage to leave it when it's warm yet...i did not... am i being too critical of myself? where should have i gone? even thinking about all this makes me hazy in the head...so, let's stop doing it:-) i'll come back when i can be either cynical enough or loved enough:-)